he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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