I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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