I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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