I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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