she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize