This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
