Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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