I think my vagina is haunted
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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