why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The power of my boobs compel you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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