So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
