Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just saw a hot homeless man
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
