It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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