final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize