Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
