I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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