how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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