You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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