weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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