At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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