i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
