Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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