I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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