Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
