i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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