I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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