wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
