my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
