have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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