saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
