My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
