im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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