My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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