i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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