My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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