My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
