it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dicks are not precious.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
