Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
