Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I will pee on everything he values.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize