Moan for me like Helen Keller
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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