My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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