youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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