i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
