I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
