You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize