I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
