eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
