last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
