I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I stole a fireplace last night.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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