My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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