Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
