the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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