Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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