Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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