OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
