He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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