dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
