you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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