Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
