watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize