The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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