also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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