i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize