and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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