I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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